Fear To Love – Book Launch by Belinda Bennetts
“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it is about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”
In 2013, my world crashed down when I found out that my now ex-husband was having an affair.
I had met him when I was nineteen. We had been married for thirteen years and had a two-year-old daughter. In an instant my heart was ripped from inside me, and the life I had known lay scattered in pieces around me. But I had my daughter; I had to hold it together.
In 2014, I moved with my daughter from New Zealand to Belfast, Northern Ireland, where my family lived. I was a ghost of my former self. I suffered from panic attacks, insomnia and depression. One day I sat in front of the mirror in my room and I asked the question “who am I?” I burst into tears as I realised the truth – I had absolutely no idea.
There I was, a single mother, living alone with my little girl, close to breakdown. I’d been through huge personal loss, my father, my granny, my grandfather, my home and my country. My past had been fraught with anorexia, depression and alcoholism. I wasn’t sure I could survive this final blow.
From the depths of despair I heard an inner voice say ‘Go within’. So that is what I did.
I put pen to paper, and began the greatest journey of my life – an inner journey from fear to love.
It was not easy. I waded through the kaleidoscope of memories that swirled within my mind; and all the emotions that went with them. I travelled back to early childhood, back to my beautiful home in Africa where I had grown up. Back through the portal of my mind that I had firmly closed the moment I left Zimbabwe in 2001 when the farm invasions and subsequent troubles had meant it was not safe to stay.
I looked the monsters of my past straight in the eyes – the anorexia, the depression, the alcoholism and finally, the blade that almost ended my life. I healed the grief around my father’s death that I had buried behind stone walls so long ago. Everything that had ripped my heart apart came up to the surface to be forgiven and released. It was incredibly painful at times, yet I knew I had to keep going.
As I travelled through the darkness, something incredible began to unfold. I began to see that everything I had ever thought I was, was just an illusion; a collection of false beliefs that I had gathered along the way.
But, underneath it all, my true self was still there, untouched.
When I reached the final chapters of my journey I saw that it had comprised of three distinct steps:
- Self Inquiry
- Coming Home
In my book Fear To Love, I share the inner places I visited and the insights and realisations that surfaced on my journey from fear to love. I share the parts of myself that I felt so ashamed of for many years, and show how I came to see my life and myself completely anew.
My hope in writing this book is that it will inspire you to make your own inner journey, if that is what you feel called to do. That it will whisper to you to step into your power, embrace your truth, and shine as we are all meant to. That it will call to you to step through your fear, and into love.